A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.
Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with “I.”
Student: I is the …
Teacher: Stop! Never put “is” after “I.” Always put ‘am’ after “I.”
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
The Old Man Humor
I saw an old man sitting on a park bench. He was crying. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, “I’m 80 years old. I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams. I own every expensive toy you can think of. And I’m married to a hot 23-year-old who not only gives me the greatest sex ever, but cooks like a master chef, and keeps my house spotless!”
“So what’s the problem?” I asked.
He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”